Identity Issues
by zanganito
Summary: When Bruce gets into some legal trouble, Alfred wears the cowl for a few days.


**A/N:** Written for the WA Role Reversal Challenge.

.

.

* * *

Bruce was late. Tim shifted and opened another soda. Waiting always made him jittery, though all the caffeine and sugar he ate while playing around on the Batcomputer probably didn't help.

Finally, he heard echoing steps as Bruce and Alfred approached.

Bruce's voice echoed off the cave walls before they were completely in sight. "For the record, that judge was unfairly biased. I'm petitioning for another hearing."

"Your indiscretions with his niece certainly didn't help your case, Master Bruce." Alfred's voice was wry with a hint of barely concealed amusement.

Tim lept to his feet as soon as they entered the room. "Hey, what's up? Are we going on patrol tonight?"

Bruce looked stressed. More stressed than usual. Alfred was mustache-less. Tim almost did a double take.

"Master Bruce will not be leaving the Manor grounds tonight, courtesy of the Gotham City Police Department, and their ankle bracelet."

"Whoa, really?" Tim asked as he squatted down to get a better look. Bruce did indeed have a GCPD ankle bracelet, complete with blinking red light. Obviously, Batman couldn't go on patrol while under house arrest. Which meant it needed to come off. "I've never tried disabling one of these before. Give me a few minutes to read up on the tech. Maybe if I clone the signal first-"

Bruce dragged a hand across his face. "No, Tim, I should have the case resolved by the end of the week. There's no need to risk causing more problems for the police. Gordon's busy enough as it is."

"Master Bruce is trying to say that one criminal in the family is sufficient for the time being."

"Hey, I'm not-"

"The charges being pressed are for assault."

Bruce grumbled in protest. "Assault against a man who pulled a gun in a store and started threatening people. I'll ask the store owners to testify at my next hearing."

"And he claimed he felt he had to use the weapon to protect himself, since your mere presence was so imposing." There was a twinkle of mischief in Alfred's eye for a second.

"Um, right," Tim said, staring dubiously at Bruce's ankle bracelet. "So, who's going to be Batman? Nightwing?" Tim could definitely see himself enjoying a week fighting crime with Nightwing.

"No, Dick's busy." And from the look on Bruce's face it'd be over his dead body if Dick was ever Batman.

Okay, so no goofing off with Nightwing. Tim frowned and crossed his arms. "What about the Justice League?"

"That's not an option." Bruce turned away to look at a Batcomputer, but his face appeared flushed.

Tim's jaw dropped. "Oh my god, Bruce, are you embarrassed?"

Bruce gave one of his sternest bat glares, and Tim shut his mouth instantly. He would never speak of this moment again, unless properly bribed with ice cream.

Alfred picked up the cowl and cape. "Master Bruce could use a few days of rest, so I'll be taking over as Batman, and Master Bruce will stay in the Manor and carry out some of my duties."

-x-

* * *

It really wasn't too much different with Alfred as Batman. Not at first. He drove a few miles slower in the Batmobile, and spent more time calculating their position on the map. First improvement though – he brought a sandwich and cookies for Tim. Bruce didn't even let him eat in the Batmobile, mostly because he would probably forget to eat for days if it wasn't for Alfred.

However, it would take a little more time to get used to hearing Bruce's voice over the com. "It's quiet tonight, just a few muggings on the East Side – Robin, are you eating in the Batmobile?"

"Robin is a growing boy. He needs food," Batman replied.

"Just…try not to get crumbs in the Batmobile."

"Very well, Sir," Batman replied.

They returned home to an after-patrol meal of crisp chicken. As in, the chicken was so crisp it had probably caught on fire at one point. The kitchen smelled like smoke and the air still looked a little hazy. There were blackened streaks of what had likely once been food on the stove and ceiling.

"Sorry, I underestimated how long the laundry was going to take, and forgot about the food," Bruce said as he set the blackened smoking plate of chicken on the table, with a side of charred vegetables.

"At least we don't have to worry about Salmonella," Alfred said as he scraped the charcoaled edges off a chicken leg.

-x-

* * *

The second night the Joker escaped from Arkham. It was eerily quiet as Batman finished patrol; no sign of the clown, and all the smaller criminals had scuttled away like cockroaches at the first sign of a larger predator.

It was also the second night that Bruce discovered why the uniforms were hand-washed instead of loaded into the washing machine.

"I'm sure the holes and frayed thread will give the cape more character, Sir," Alfred said, carefully slicing into his pizza with knife and fork.

Bruce had ordered pizza, not even bothering trying to cook, and was currently in the process of wearing a hole in the kitchen floor with his pacing. "Are you sure you didn't see the Joker? Are you sure he didn't leave a message? How do we know what his game is this time?"

"I'm sure we'll know when he turns up, Master Bruce. He does have a love for the dramatic."

"I think we both know he doesn't always wait to be found before killing people," Bruce growled and stomped off to slam all the doors in his study.

Tim shivered and texted Dick a picture of Alfred as Batman helping Catwoman rescue a litter of kittens.

-x-

* * *

The third night they received word that the Joker had set up a bomb to go off in Gotham Aquarium.

Tim played on his phone and texted Dick while Alfred and Bruce had an intense discussion over who would end up going after the Joker. Bruce looked about ready to destroy the ankle bracelet himself, but finally calmed after a few more words from Alfred.

They pulled up to the aquarium and parked the Batmobile out of sight. The Joker was pacing back and forth in front of the building, near the fountain, raging at his henchmen.

"We'll use stealth at first," Batman said, unbuckling his seatbelt. "Find out what the Joker's plans are, see where to best intercept him."

Robin nodded grimly.

.

"You're all useless!" the Joker snarled, backhanding one of his henchmen across the face. "I told you I needed a loudspeaker, and you forgot to check the batteries?" He threw a battery on the ground and stomped on it. "Batman will be here any minute, and the batteries in my loudspeaker are dead!" He clonked another of the henchmen over the head with the offending loudspeaker. "How am I supposed to make sure everyone hears my brilliant 'swimming with the fishes' jokes? Poor Batsy needs to be cheered up after losing a Robin, last time he was so grumpy he gave me a concussion, but now he might not even get to hear a single joke since you fools couldn't even be bothered to check the batteries!"

"Uh, don't Bats have really good hearing, boss?" an unfortunate henchman asked.

The Joker grabbed the man by the neck. "That's not the point, Steve. I need to make a statement with my performance. Right now the only statement I'll be making is I hired a bunch of incompetent fools!" The Joker released the man and doubled over in laughter for a few seconds. "Guard the building. I'll be back with the right equipment."

.

It was easy once the Joker had left to slip inside the aquarium and start searching for the bomb. Robin snorted when he found it on top of a giant saltwater tank of clownfish. It took a matter of minutes to defuse the bomb.

.

Batman had rounded up the Joker's henchmen and was currently lecturing them on the economics of their situation. "I understand the Joker pays well, but does he offer any benefits? Health insurance? What will happen when you inevitably get injured?"

"He'll hire more henchmen," Steve said.

"Exactly. And who will pay for your medical bills? A lower paying job might not seem as appealing, but one with more stability and less risk to your health and life actually ends up paying more in the long run."

"It's hard to get hired without references, and a criminal record," Steve mumbled.

"That does present a challenge," Batman said, then paused when he saw Tim. "Ah Robin, I trust you disarmed the bomb?"

Robin nodded.

"Excellent. There are snacks in the Batmobile. Why don't you run and fetch them and we can all wait for the Joker to return?"

Robin raised an eyebrow, but did as he was told.

.

They ate chips and cookies as they waited with Hank, Steve, and George for the Joker to return. Hank had worked for the Joker before, and told them all a story of the time he had accidentally bleached the Joker's purple suit.

"I was just trying to get it clean," Hank said. "I didn't realize it'd come out all spotty."

"I'm surprised you survived," Batman said, and passed Hank another bag of cookies.

"Oh he was hopping mad alright," Hank said as he opened the bag with loosely bound hands.

"When isn't he?" George asked, and they all nodded.

"But he was busy, and the Batman was just about to arrive, so he never did ask who did laundry that day."

.

When the Joker finally did arrive, with new batteries, spare batteries, and a loudspeaker, Batman was ready. He tackled the Joker to the ground faster than Tim ever thought Alfred was capable of moving, and bat-cuffed his purple gloved hands behind his back.

The Joker turned his head at an unnatural angle and stared at Robin, sneering. "Oh, you've got a new bird already, Batsy! Why don't you introduce us? It's rude you know, not to introduce people." He blinked a few times, looking confused. "There's something different about you too tonight, Batsy. I was going to tell you jokes about the other Robin swimming with the fishes, but it's not the same since you're not Batsy. You're not the same. Where's old Batsy? I mean younger Batsy. Swimming with the fishes too?" The Joker paused to bark out an angry laugh. "Did someone kill him and it wasn't ME?"

They dropped the Joker off at Arkham Asylum, still raging over a Batman imposter.

The three henchmen "escaped", when Batman cut the ropes binding them. "They might do well with a second chance," Batman said.

.

"The Joker is back in Arkham."

Bruce sighed in relief and retreated to his office. He returned a few minutes later, scratching the back of his head. "I, uh, forgot to do anything about dinner."

Alfred hung the uniforms up to air out, and they all ate cold cereal that night.

-x-

* * *

On the fourth day Batman found Hank and George breaking into a convenience store. He gave them a Disappointed Lecture all the way to the Police Department. It was so moving Tim felt secondhand guilt and embarrassment just being in the same car as them.

"I had hoped they would have learned their lesson last night," Batman remarked sadly as they left the station.

.

Alfred and Tim returned home to the smell of burning coming from the kitchen. Bruce was attempting to make them a breakfast food disaster complete with frying eggs that had turned into scrambled flying eggs, burning sausages, and pancakes that were uncooked in the center and burned on the outside.

"With a few extra toppings, I'm sure the pancakes will be edible, Master Bruce," Alfred said as he helped try and salvage the culinary disaster.

Tim messaged Dick a picture of Bruce scraping the remains of scrambled eggs off the ceiling. Later he surreptitiously checked his phone during the meal to see the reply: _Looks like you're having an egg-citing time!_ and groaned at the pun.

Bruce frowned. "Is the food that bad?"

Tim shook his head and shoveled down another forkful of pancake topped with syrup, chocolate chips, whipped cream, and blueberries.

-x-

* * *

On the fifth day, Bruce had his hearing with an unbiased judge, and returned without his ankle bracelet, much to the relief of the entire household.

Alfred sighed in relief. "I don't think I could stomach another night as Batman."


End file.
